An Idiot's Guide to Ending A Relationship
by Ian Bassingthwaighte, TheSoko.com

Too often I see a friend or acquaintance, or even a random stranger, whose misery is blatantly written on his or her face, and I think to myself, "You know, they are stuck in an unhealthy relationship." So often we get in a rut, thinking we are loved, and so we give in, get stomped on, trampled over, etc. So when do you call it quits? When do you choose a life alone over a life with someone who would better serve in a relationship with an imperial dictator? This latter question has plagued humanity from the dawn of its existence, and now I'm finally going to step up to the plate and answer this question with a neat, tidy, accurate, and perfect five-point-list. With no further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Masses, I present you with "The 5-Point-List Which Outlines the 5 Most Common Signs That Your Relationship Has Failed and That You Should Get Out Before Your Significant Other Stabs You In the Heart With an Ice Pick in The Middle Of the Night." The Fighting Becomes Unreal Everybody fights. Everybody fights about stupid stuff. But there comes a point when stupid is too stupid, and fighting is just for the sake of fighting. If your significant other comes home from work bitter about the fact that a co-worker accidentally drank their diet coke at lunch break, and they blame you for being weak and a rotten lover for not tracking this soda-stealer down and defending your lover's property by assaulting the co-worker's kids and burning down his house – you've got a problem. It is also a matter of frequency. If you find yourself fighting about who ate the last cup of applesauce, who forgot to flush the toilet, or whose hair is clogging the shower drain, it might be a sign that things are falling apart. Sleeping Back to Back If you and your significant other sleep back to back all night, every night, and never snuggle, cuddle, or touch, you might be on the path to destruction. Some people sleep on their side for comfort, but there is no reason that you can't both face the same way and get in some spooning time before you nod off into the dream world. Nighttime is a time for intimacy, even if it isn't sexual. If either you or your significant other intentionally lets out some gas on the other and you hear a slight giggle or you try to keep your giggle to yourself, you've got an even bigger problem.Sexually Un-Stimulating Bodies are stimulating in their own right. For most of us, we don't even need a good-looking body to become aroused. Sex is sex, when you get down to it. However, if you find yourself turned off when your partner is naked because of his or her personality, it might be a sign that you are truly in need of a break from this person. Sharing Becomes Painful Suppose you just baked a 16-inch frozen pizza. You spent the last half hour preheating and watching silently as the cheese bubbled and the crust browned. You pull it from the oven and you sit down in front of the TV to watch some crappy show about solving crimes with crossword puzzles and laser beams. Your partner walks in after browsing the Internet or reading a book. "Oh, can I have a slice?" she or he says. You look at them and think, "Get your own damn pizza!" but you only say, out of respect, "Well, I think I'm going to eat the whole thing, sorry." You then only eat a quarter of the pizza and throw the rest away. Sound familiar? If you are finding that you don't want to share, don't want to go out of your way for your lover, there could be something wrong. Love Sick, Literally The ultimate, without-a-doubt sign that your relationship needs to come to an end is if you find yourself waking up in the morning, taking a look at your drooling partner oozing his or her spittle on the pillow case, and you have the urge to throw up on their face. Or, when you are brushing your teeth in the morning, if you have the urge to dip your partner's toothbrush in the toilet and watch minutes later as they brush their teeth, you might have a problem. That feeling usually means that it is, unfortunately, time to call it quits.
But hey, don't take it from me. I'm no authority. In all honesty though - I am right. If any of this applies to you, head for the hills. Seriously, put on some warm socks and start running.
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